the ghost of emma's past.

These past few weeks have felt like I'd taken a seat on the double dipper at Blackpool Pleasure beach and never gotten off. I am officially emotionally and physically drained, yet something tells me it's not the end yet.

My dad decided to show himself after two years of 5 minute phone conversations, gramatically incorrect text messages and the occasional facebook poke. I didn't know what to feel when I heard an alien car pull up outside. My window facing the road, I stood froze to the spot in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear as I saw the bald-headed figure getting out of the vehicle and opening the gate. I crawled across the floor, put on some shorts and leapt out of my window. Luckily I didn't hurt myself, and I wish I could have told myself that the tears I was crying as my father hugged me weren't going to be the only tears I would shed in the upcoming weeks.

It was so strange having him here. Sat in my garden sunbathing, making him dinner, walking into the kitchen to see him doing the dishes. Even when he slept over (my mother stayed with her boyfriend at a friend's house on these occasions) it was weird saying goodnight to him and knowing that was asleep in the room next to me. Surreal, even.

I never let it get to me though. Well I did, but in the confines of my own bedroom, when I was alone and could cry without being judged or people feeling pity for me. You see, that is what I hate. If I get upset over my dad and my mother sees, she won't let it go. It's like its some miraculous discovery that I have emotions.

But now he's gone, and as he said goodbye to my sister and I, he cried. But I didn't cry at all. It's strange really. It's like I have perfected not publicly displaying emotion. But as I watched him drive away, I knew I wasn't going to see him for many more years to come.

I go to university in 2 weeks today. I am so excited about it, but at the same time I am dreading leaving. My mother and my sister are going to be fine, but I'm scared about Elliot. I never want to leave him on his own. I want to be able to see him everyday and sleep in his bed and him in mine. I don't want that to stop. I'm going to miss him more than anything. Even writing this is making me want to cry...

Sometimes I wish I just didn't have emotions/feelings. It'd make life so much easier.